Escaping the Friendzone
One man's wild journey into the dark abyss of the "Friendzone"

Once upon a time there was a wild parkour-hoppin’ dude named JP. He moved to Denver in search of life, liberty and love. One fateful day, his sister invited him to a Derby Day party. Derby day is a pastel forward event in which everyone gets all fancy-like to sport elaborate hats and pinstripe suits. This entire day is crafted to celebrate a short (and somewhat uninspiring) 120 seconds of horses running 1.25 miles.

If you sneeze … you missed it. Better luck next year.

JP “Cosmo Kramer’ed” his entrance to the party, expecting the usual suspects. Instead, he was permanently casted into a state of twitterpated. Finally. He understood what Thumper was talking about all those years ago.

In front of him was a radiant, angelic, red-dress-wearing creature with a large black hat. JP caught the eye of this Goddess of the room and knew he must speak with her (or awkwardly squawk at her as often happens in these situations).

After walking right up to her and emitting a “Gurl I like yo dress”, he knew he was off to a great start. Little did he know, his Jean-Ralphio like escapades landed him squarely in the friend-zone. A trap of which escaping, is often labeled “the greatest feat of man”.

Fast forward six awkward months of quasi-dating friend zone warfare. JP and Pam had a strong connection but despite his best efforts, JP couldn’t get past his cemented status of nice-guy-always-available friend.

So, he decided to fire Pam. Yes, a friend break up. In the long and war-torn past of the friend zone, this feat has only been attempted a mere 7 times, successful only once in recorded history.

A sullen week dragged by, filled with attempted distractions and boat-loads of Netflix. Suddenly late into the night JP heard his phone chirp. Red-eyed and annoyed, he awoke and lumbered over to toss his phone out the window. Before executing this warranted yet regrettable act, he saw the sender of the message.


She said she wanted to see him. Said that she had some things she had to share. Could they do dinner. His response – No.

Well played.

JP was shocked and leery by her reaching out. He knew full well that he was clear in his reasons for the breakup. Was she scamming him? Did she just want to tell him she found his missing scarf? He was filled with intrigue and a healthy dose of skepticism.

After giving it some serious thought JP decided to hear her out. As an aside, she later told him she was planning to come throw rocks at his window and wait outside my house if he told her no. They got together for dinner and Pam began the most important sales pitch of her life.

She actually called it the sales pitch. She had even pondered putting together a powerpoint to go along with it. Seriously. True story. This sales pitch contained an organized and influential account of her realizations in their week apart, what she could do for him as a girlfriend, financially and otherwise.

Pam, as a seasoned sales rep, was quite convincing. Through her NLP, text-book sales pace and lead, diagnose and prescribe techniques, she had JP ready to sign and close this deal.

What happened next?

She hit her sales quota. JP and Pam were Facebook-offical, exclusive and ready to really give this relationship thing a shot. Not bad for a days work.

She delivered on the contract and quickly became an incredible and positive force in JPs life. They worked out together, explored their minds and shaped paradigms. Aside from the necessary and expected squabbles, they had a smooth and powerful connection. Things were good.

We’ll spare you the details of their growth together, but it all lead up to a single day, a single moment in time. This day started as a surprise date to the botanical gardens. As they strolled through the gardens, JP felt weak in the knees. His blazer weighed 125 pounds but he couldn’t let Pam know of the delightful burden weighing it down.

They walked into the glass, climate controlled atrium. A place where the wise rainforest always had a way of photosensitizing their worries and concerns. As they entered, they heard the delicious sound of the violin playing in the distance. Neither acknowledged it, but both appreciated the sound. As they walked JP’s blazer became even heavier as if weighed down by Thor’s hammer.

It was true. There was only one strong enough to bear it.

They finally got to the “chosen” bench, right in front of the Violinist whos sweet sound had been dancing throughout the entire atrium. JP asked Pam to sit down on the bench, and she obliged. The realization of what was about to happen sunk in like the titanic.

Here’s a little secret. If you want to get any lady to listen with absolute and undivided attention for at least 30 seconds – get down on one knee.

So, after joyfully fumbling through the key points of his proposal and a lot of hugging, SHE SAID YES. He pulled out the ring and the photographer snuck out from behind her hiding spot. It was over. Relief, tears, happiness and joy emanated from their souls as they took in the ramifications of what just happened.

JP had escaped the friend zone.

I’ve been hacking at various business ideas since I was 16. I’m a full stack developer and love crafting user experiences. I’ve been nose deep in code since I put the legos down, and built several successful businesses in the process. I’ve lost some hair, gained some experience and throughly enjoyed the journey.